It’s 3 am,
her pillow soaked in regret.
Loss has left her spirit lonesome,
darkness was purely only a definition of insanity
In the silence of the night,
vexatious voices vibrate inside
her somber state of mind.
Restless, she sits at her piano,
as a plethora of pain bleeds through
her fingers gently playing ebony and ivory keys.
Rain drops drip from her eyes,
unable to contain the sorrows in her heart.
In perfect harmony with her faithful piano,
her heartache performs the perfect poetic symphony,
echoing a serenade of melancholic melodies.
Inside his eyes,
a charming cascading world was locked in her’s
Boundless beauty befalls her
Her only love lied in his heart
Unseen waves of attraction
caused her to be led
to his scarlett soul fortress
where she lay hopelessly
Her whole body is numb, but the
music mesmerises her mind, as memories
of her past persist.
Through which, she learned
that love is like playing the piano.
First you must learn to play by the rules,
then you must forget the rules and play from your heart.
Image used
→ https://weheartit.com/entry/231618091
Dear Arzoo,
I want to start by saying that I really enjoyed the personal narrative that you have composed; after reading your creation the first response that I received was that your story demonstrates how we as humans are forced to face many trials and tribulations in our lives. For that reason I think you’re piece is good because if we only looked at the fluffy romance that is portrayed in movies and T.V. shows then everyone who believed, that love exactly then they would be in for a whirlwind of surprises.
Your style choice was amazing! The way you had the poem spread out over stanzas was a brilliant idea as it did not feel mundane and boring. Furthermore, the way that you were able to flow your ideas was done very well as it did not feel like there were unnecessary pauses in your writing which is always pleasing to read, so excellent work!
I truly loved your entire piece, however, the sections that really clung to me were as follows:
“Through which, she learned
that love is like playing the piano.
First you must learn to play by the rules,
then you must forget the rules and play from your heart.”
These few lines that you created at the end were a really good concluding element: the comparison between loving someone and playing the piano in it of itself was a great idea, however, coming to an overall conclusion with that idea really brought life to your piece.
Also, I feel that these small phrases were able to conclude your thoughts really smoothly, whilst also providing some epiphanies for the reader. Lastly, I think that the true art of a great writer is that they are able to create a lens into world they have made, for the reader through their writing, and I believe that is what you have done here.
A minor detail that you could fix in order to enhance your writing could be to remove words that may be extra for example in the following line:
“darkness was purely only a definition of insanity”
In my opinion I think that the use of the word “only” is a little redundant, however, if you want to use it then possibly put a punctuation mark.
Overall your writing is great, and I am very honored to have read it. I can not wait to read your future pieces of writing 🙂
Sincerely,
Kshef
Dear Kshef
I feel honored and greatly appreciate the time you took out of your day to read my piece. It fills me with joy, as you are one of the people in my life that I look up to and receiving this positive feedback is truly amazing so thank you! I am thrilled that you enjoyed my piece and now that I look back and review my work I can clearly see the repetitive words which stand out towards the end of the stanzas and some of my punctuation does seem to be falling apart so I’ll be extra careful next time to watch out for those and to not make those silly errors again. Again, thank you for viewing my work and I also hope to read more of yours soon!
Sincerely,
Arzoo
Dear Arzoo,
Right off the bat, your piece captured my attention. From the image, to the alliteration, to the verse structure. This piece says it all. You are a great, and I repeat, great writer. This poem is one that compares the music and melodies of a piano to that of heartbreak, and you were able to connect the two in a simple, yet elegant manner. It’s important that we learn to see the beauty in even the most dire of situations, and your free choice is a reminder of that. You make the piece sound as if it is an echo of your own voice and experiences, and that is always something I look for in a writer. Well done!
My personal favourite line(s) in your poem would be: “music mesmerises her mind, as memories
of her past persist.” I really love the alliteration in not only this line, but several others scattered here and there. To me, this line is illustrating how we are still yearning for happiness even as hurtful memories come back.
It’s hard to tell you what I would do to improve this piece, but I will suggest that you play a little more with punctuation, especially in your last few stanzas. The beginning of the poem had a stylistic, grammatical direction, but I felt that I lost some of that towards the end. Unless that was part of the plan, of course.
All in all, your poem is something that will have me thinking I can have a go at poetry. I’m looking forward to seeing your future work, and seeing where your voice will take you next time.
Sincerely,
Sadia
Dear Sadia,
I’m glad that you liked my piece. I do have to say, I was adventuring a little outside of my comfort zone with writing poems because I don’t write them very often, but I felt as though this was the right way to convey the message I was trying to get across and so, I truly appreciate and admire how you took the time to acknowledge my piece and broke it down completely. I understand that I do make errors with punctuation a lot in my work. I’m still working on that but hopefully one day I can become better at it. I’m glad that by taking a look at this poem, you may take a look at poetry yourself. It’s not that bad honestly, just give it a try. 🙂
To conclude, thank you for taking the time to read my work and provide great feedback. I also can’t wait to read more exciting work from you as well in the upcoming future, as I know very well, you are an interesting creator.
Sincerely,
Arzoo
Dear Arzoo,
Wow this piece was so absolutely mesmerizing. The thing that caught my attention initially was the pink piano.
I found it fascinating how you decided to display this piece by going from one side of the page to the other. A lot of the word choice that you use really made you writing comer alive so much more.
Things that I would work on for improvement is at some of the stanzas looked like they need a little more in order to move on to the next such as the 3rd last one just as an example.
Overall I enjoyed reading your work to the moon and back I look forward to reading more of your work.
With love,
Felicity
Dear Felicity,
I appreciate the time you took out of your day to provide me with excellent feedback which I will definitely consider more carefully in the nearby future. Thank you for advising me how to correctly format poems and stanzas as I’m still quite new to this type of writing style! I greatly appreciate that. I hope to read more of your work as well.
Sincerely,
Arzoo
Dear Arzoo,
I loved the theme that you incorporated throughout your entire poem. Your imagery was very vivid, and I loved the way you used the piano as a symbol to represent the sorrow the character was feeling. Starting off with “It’s 3am” is smart, as I am immediately given context and a reason to continue reading. Additionally, I loved the array of words you used to capture the whole idea. For example, “vexatious voices” creates a different tone of frustration and restlessness that you show in detail later in the poem.
If I was to critique your work, I would tell you to avoid cliches. Although there were few, it takes away from the strength of your words, thus making it vague rather than the deliberate style you are going for. For example, the phrase, “Her only love lied in his heart” is a bit commonplace. How else could you describe love? What does love feel, taste, touch, look, or smell like?
Regardless, I truly enjoyed reading your work, and I am looking forward to more in the future!
Sincerely,
Nazeefa
Dear Nazeefa,
I’m delighted to hear that you enjoyed my piece. You’re a great writer yourself and this coming from you is unbelievable. As I review and read my work again, I noticed too that some of the lines were very ordinary and could be classified as cliches so thank you for pointing that out. I will definitely take your kind considerations into account for my future pieces. Thank you again for the constructive criticism. Continue to write because I also can’t wait to read some of the fantastic pieces you will create!
Sincerely,
Arzoo
Dear Arzoo,
I love your use of alliteration to create beautiful imagery. You created an entire scene and something for the reader to grasp on to with few words. I love how you related what love means to how one learns to play the piano. it is a well thought out idea. My only criticism is that I would love to see this idea of the piano and love’s parallels being threaded through the whole piece from start to finish, maybe even extend the poem to be little longer to continue this motif. Overall amazing work Arzoo, can’t wait to read more of your work. Feel free to ask me in you need any support or clarification.
Sincerely,
Kemi
Dear Kemi,
Thank you for reading my piece and providing some great insights. I truly appreciate it. I will definitely in the future make my pieces longer and now that you pointed it out, I can see where you are coming from. I think this could have been an even more better piece by attaching the strings a bit more between the feeling of love and the piano. Thank you again for your great comment!
Sincerely,
Arzoo
Dear Arzoo,
OMG!!!!!!!! I still can’t believe I haven’t commented on your blog from last year! WOW just WOW!!!!! You’re such an amazing writer and I love how your voice and the emotion you put into this piece, which really made it come to life! You’re an incredible writer and I’m happy I get to know you not just through our friendship but also through your writing as well! Lots of love!
-Simran C.