I was..

 

I was a lost soul. I was pushed and pulled, teared apart and manipulated to utter destruction. Forever I was alone and tried to find peace within my self and to live the life I longed and loved, but how could I know to do so, when I did not even know, what this meant. I had never truly experineced such an adventure so called life before. I was a child who was observant but it came at a price. I inclined towards relucting to be confident and therefore, resulted in becoming more of a reserved individual. Confusion was drilled into me, it boggled my mind several times and with it came an obscure thunderstorm of uncontrollable emotions and a whirlwind of unexpected catastrophes. I didnt know what to expect. I was a lost soul seething beneath the surface, searching for answers, without knowing the questions.

 

I was a child who was expected to be great from when I very first inhaled the pure oxygen of the universe which we strive in today. Coming into this world brought happiness to my parents but at the time, I could beg to differ. I knew exactly what was expected of me but I did not know where to begin.

 

I was a selfless being, maybe at times too selfless, but it taught me one thing. To always put others ahead of me and I did; to the extent where my own existence meant nothing. I was more enthralled by the way others came to be and got lost in the deep maze of being unable to create my own identity. I truly did not realize what beauty was nor what it actually meant. For me, the image that always came to mind when thinking of beauty was a “perfect princess”. You know, having the long sunkissed autumn locks, ocean blue tinted eyes with specks of hypnatizing emerald green, perfect figure, and a gorgoeus jewled and sparkly dress. Friends had a huge impact on me and I was brainwashed by toxic people to think that. Unfortunetly, external beauty had more value to me than internal. I wish I had known better.

I am..

 

I am now an introspective being. I dont jump straight to conclusions and when things feel like they are falling apart, I pick myself up again and restart. Just like the curser of a mouse on a computer while it’s buffering, I spin around and around, conducting and playing a cognitive game of trial and error with my brain. I know I have successfully completed the task and finally made it once my mind is replaced with a new slate of thoughts, just as how the interweb is refreshed with new information. 

 

I am a change seeker. I rightfully take the time to prioritize my thoughts and if anyone is going to read my mind at the end of the day, it will be me and me only. I know now after so long, to open about my feelings instead of keeping them bottled inside me the whole time. I am not saying I’m a survivor because Im still going to be on this journey called life for a long time but what doesnt change is the fact that I view my self the same. I now have become more confident in my own skin and though I’m still selfless, Ive learned thorugh constant fears of loosing my self in the crowd, that I am the only person who can change me. I can’t make others change and others can’t make me change. I am a beliver. I had high hopes to accomplish this goal of becoming more close with my mind and body personally and sure we all have our bad days where we feel worthless and unwanted and those days hurt like hell, but once you face them, you become stronger than you were originally and a saviour of your own life. It’s just like a person who finally figures out that that there’s a back page to what looked like a one sided story. There was something there all along. A will. A hope. A desire. And coincidentally those words state the exact definition of my name.

 

I am a rose beaming with vibrancy. I have such a flaring passion to which the sun envies and cannot be compared to. I was nick named “Rose” by my family because they think of me as a sweet and sentimental person but also I like to think I am one because a rose also has a stem and thorns which can be ignored by many but it shows how even the softest, smallest, quietest, and sweetest minds, can have sharp, loud, abnoxious and hurtful things stored within them. Roses cannot blossom without having a strong base (stem) or thorns. In order to have a fullfilling, exuberant and advtourous life, comes with completing the full cirlce of having goods and bads. I am like a rose cause I stand tall in grace and it will take a lot to make my pedals fall and trun into ash. Piece by piece, I grow and blossom to my full potential.

 

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Of Course, this is not evreything there is about me. So much more can be said. But lets just say I’m not very good at talking about myself and even though this may sound cliché, but there is still so much I don’t know about who I am, so I can’t possibly go on and tell you about the things that I have yet to discover. Nonetheless, even though it may only be a short snippet, I think it still provides a true sense of who I am and it reflects some of my values and qualties. So, I started off by stating who I was in the past because you can’t move on to the present without acknowledging the past. Bascially, I was a lost cause when I was younger and I took longer to understand things which isn’t bad, but it came with its consequences. At that time, my mindest was just about being reserved and how people who are quiet and who keep to them selves are better off. I found out though, that statemtent only holds truth to a cretain extent. But to sum it all, I’m glad I went through what I did, because the misconceptions that devloped in my past led to a beautiful realiy today. Time went on and I started to grow mentally as a person. You could kind of say how I started to blossom like a flower. I guess at this point in life, I kept in my mind that life is tough and it always will be, but it goes on, what can you do? I used the blossom analogy, like a flower starts to bloom, but specifically I used a rose because this gorgeous sensation has a great impact on me. I’m intrigued by this flower and maybe a little obsessed.. The quote I chose to have means, if you try to destroy the flower by picking it, that is when the thorn hurts you. It’s job is to protect the flower. So if you leave it alone, the thorn isn’t a threat to you. I would like to think of myself as my own warrior and if the flower part of me falls down I still have my many throns to hold me up. Also I do consider myself a bit fiesty at times and my own personal thorns can act up on many if you do decide to atack them. From this blog you are in for a ride to find out lots about my writting style and things I enjoy writting about. A lot of it will include sweet sentimental stories, love or the complete end of the spectrum, darknees, hollow and death. I like doing a bit of both. So enjoy your stay here and I hope you not only learn more about me through my writting but more about yourself aswell.

 

 

{Images used}

→ https://plus.google.com/110525894464561845430/posts/gVpJA9ygRxf

→https://www.npr.org/sections/13.7/2015/12/14/459651340/sometimes-confusion-is-a-good-thing